STEP 1 – Gather Your Material

Right, this needs to be fun. Get a bottle of wine, a big sheet of paper and have, what they referred to in the ’90s as, a ‘brainstorm’. Think about…

• Your stories – conduct a courtship autopsy and see what you have to play with. Think about the big events; meeting each other, your first date, when you knew they were ‘the one’. We’re not looking for the soppy stories; we’re looking for the stories that show you’re both as bonkers as each other.
• Themes – how would people describe you as a couple? Are there any common bonds or are there clear differences? Play up to your relationship dynamic. This will help create a narrative.
• The thank yous – Get them agreed (remembering the ruthless rule) and decide who does who (sorta speak).

Step 2 – Structure Your Speech

First rule, don’t start with the thank yous. Get on with the story first, leave the thank yous till the end.

Then think of the narrative hook that will hold all your random anecdotes and ‘to dos’ together.

Let’s say you both happen to be teachers; your theme might be ‘the lessons you’ve learnt from each other’. Your structure might look something like this…

• Hello and Welcome
• Thank everyone for coming – and set up the theme, e.g. ‘two teachers getting married today…bet you’re wondering who gets detention first. We’ve certainly learnt a lot from each other over the years…’
• Lesson 1 – What NOT to say on the first date (anecdote about weeing himself / big fan of Kardashians etc.)
• Lesson 2 – How love makes you do stupid things (example of losing car etc)
• Lesson 3 – How to share a house with someone very different  (a ping pong table does not count as furniture)
• Lesson 4 – How NOT to propose
• The Thank Yous
• Toast

Step 3 – Get Writing

Yep, this is the hard bit, and may or may not prove to be your toughest relationship challenge to date. You thought table planning was tricky?! Nothing compared to writing a joint speech. So our advice? Avoid it!

Yes, we suggest one of you write the first draft, and the other one improves it.  Even this will require some negotiation but at least you won’t be debating words as you write.

Divide the speech, so you each have small sections to deliver (2 – 6 sentences) and alternate throughout. You want to establish a clear flow and support each other’s narrative… e.g.

• GROOM – Yes it was a surprise finding out we were going to have a baby. Neither of us had changed a nappy in our lives. Neither of us had a clue about the variety of goo that can lurk in those things or the challenges that lay ahead. We’d never watched a minute of Nickelodeon let along three hours of it back to back.
• BRIDE – We had absolutely no idea. We couldn’t have imagined a time when being up at two am didn’t involve drinking beer and passing out under someone’s table.
• GROOM– And we could never have imagined the tantrums that can result in daring to feed a toddler with the wrong coloured spoon.   
• BRIDE – But of course the one thing that we had absolutely no idea about was how amazing having a child would be.  

Like all good comedy duos, you need to work together and try to deliver comedy ‘ad libs’. If your relationship dynamic lends itself, one of you can play the straight man and the other the fall guy. Play with what you got.